Do You See Me?

The black and white of a fair life is that life isn't fair. Or more specifically, "Life Ain't Fair!" Still, as quoted by Calvin in the Calvin & Hobbes cartoon (through creator Bill Watterson), "I know the world isn't fair, but why isn't it ever unfair in my favor." So, when I say, "Let's Be Fair," what am I really asking? I think we should stop and think about it for this reason. Life isn't fair. In the grand scheme of things, perhaps we should be glad.
     I remember the first time my daughter told me that life wasn't fair. She was lamenting the fact that something wasn't going her way and she was most thoroughly peeved about it.
     "It's not fair," she protested. "It isn't fair that ..." and proceeded to tell me what "it" was and why it wasn't fair, to which I replied:
     "Baby, if life were fair, you'd have come here with a job! As it is, you came here broke, hungry and naked. How fair was that to me?"
      I now know what incredulous looks like because she stood there incredulously--for about a hot moment. Then she said, "But, I didn't ask to be born!" In other words, it wasn't her fault. But, again, mother that I am and fast with the reply, I told her ...
     "Au contraire, my sweet. But you did!" Then I explained the dynamics of which came first, the chicken or the egg. "Before you were a twinkling in my eye," I explained, "God knew you best and knowing you as well as I do, I'm quite confident that it was you who picked me to be your mom."
     The lesson, however, has stuck with her over the years as it has me. I didn't want my daughter thinking that life was fair because I know the heartache in it. My father, on the other hand, told me that hard work was its own reward and not to always expect something from doing what is right, but OH, how jumbled a task that is. The reward, I believe, is a type of fairness. And still I know that life isn't fair.

"Life is not fair. Get use to it."

                                                Bill Gates, Software Mogul

     This is an ironic quote from a man whose life seems to have been handed more than his share of fair. Still, I have to admit that I only know his story from the newspapers and magazines that at one time lauded him as one of the richest men in the world. But, if Bill Gates is telling the world that life isn't fair, what does fair really mean and should we expect it after all? It's a jumbled mess, so to speak, but I think I'm learning something quite valuable here and perhaps I can share it with you. It isn't really about wanting life to be fair. I know that I am not going to always get what I want or even what I deserve (thank God for that!), but that somewhere in between the need for fairness, I am mostly asking to be seen and be heard. Which is ironic since I am 6'3" and often seen and I do radio and I write, which means that I am being heard.
     So, what am I really asking with this need of mine for fairness? Well, I have had time to think. The last 9 years and 3 months have been made up of real teaching moments. Interestingly, this has also been the time of the Decade of Nonviolence and the urging of living Nobel Peace Laureates to create a culture of peace, justice and healing, which denotes, in my humble opinion, fairness. In this time, however, I survived cervical cancer. Another friend didn't. I thought my granddaughter would live. She died. Then my mother died right after I had been fired--unfairly, I believe--and then my father died and I couldn't find a real job in my field--and ... well, you get it. At least I hope you do or this teaching moment may be wasted. Which, of course, isn't fair.
    Still, I didn't think that life was unfair. I considered that life was made up of all the ups and downs that happen through the course of one's life. In all honesty, the ups and downs seemed to be for most of my life on the positive side. I wouldn't trade the hardships, not even the most recent ones, but that's what makes me who I am and who I am yet to be. There were times though that I felt that my life's woes were more than one person could take, but comparing it with others, I had my right mind, I was still breathing and opportunities (and hope) were still mine to pursue life with. I could and did deal with it. While knowing that I couldn't always have a life full of fairness on my terms (everyone has a way they'd like to see things transpire), I felt heard and I felt supported. That was when it hit me. The times that seemed most challenging were often met with support. Cancer. My sisters and brothers throughout the world, came to my rescue, anchoring me, sustaining me. When my granddaughter died, there they were. My mother. Same thing. I was heard. I was seen.
     So when is life unfair to me? Those challenging times where I feel alone. Alone because those dearest to me didn't understand why I was bothered. As one friend said, "You're better off without ..." whatever situation I was lamenting. They didn't hear. Others said, "You're stronger than they are!" Interestingly, just this past week, one woman told me, "You're powerful. Scary powerful." Huh? Here's the lesson and this statement from someone who I don't see often or haven't discussed a lot of what goes on in the world, hers or mine, except peripherably, gave me the most insight. She saw me in ways I didn't see myself. Because the truth is, for all my strength and faith, sometimes I feel so powerless. Powerless to change systems of injustices, inequities, bigotry and the other angst of the world that continue to separate us--continues to divide. When it is all said and done, I am powerless to make myself heard or seen when it matters to me. That's the unfairness.
     I want to shout ... "You knew what I felt like when I was sick or when death knocked on my loved ones' door, but when I ask you to look at systems of privilege and apathy, when I beg you to understand that unless a system changes, I can look forward to more heartache, you can't hear me and truth is, you don't want to see me. These are the most frustrating times in my life. I am not heard. I get so frustrated and yes, angry, because I know that it is easier to turn your head than to face this challenge head on. It means that you might have to change. I know I have to change. Instead I feel and realize that sometimes people don't want to look at what we want them to see. I also know that it is not always apathy, but it is usually fear and impotency. An impotency that says, "We can't change those things. They've been with us for eons."
     Truth is that sometimes we see and that sometimes we do not--I'm sorry but we don't. It's that simple. And for me, that's not fair! Why can't you see? What can't you hear? I still don't understand because here's what I believe. How can you not hear the person you're in relationship with? How can you not want to see? It is not about coming to my rescue. It's about understanding and listening. It's about me knowing that you will listen, but also hear me. It's about relationship. And it is also about witness. Because if you are witness to the unfairness of a situation, you and I can be the change we wish to see.

Life is never fair, and perhaps for some of us
it's a good thing that it is not."

                                       Oscar Wilde, Irish Poet and Novelist
     I like the idea that life can be somewhat unfair because it gives us something to work on. I also know that somethings take time. That's why I nurse my disappointments so that I can try again. And when I say, me. I'm not talking the "I" person who wrote this blog, but the "I" of all of us and recognizing the things that do go bump in the night--are not our imaginations, but real and genuine "unfairness" that must be challenged. On the whole, I think that when I say I'd like to see a world of fairness, I am talking about a place where everyone can be heard--no matter who they are. In the glorious splendor of our Earth, I am asking to be heard, but also to hear.
     Peace.